RETIREMENT - ONE YEAR LATER

A year ago now I wrote a blog about the difficulty I was having anticipating Jim’s retirement.  Although it seems ridiculous now, it was no joke a year ago.  All I could think about, completely selfishly, was the impact it was going to have on ME!  

Here’s how my mind went:

·        Jim will want to spend all his time with me.  What about seeing my friends?

·        We’ll be down to one car and I’ll never go anywhere alone again.

·        I’ll have to give up my freedom to minister wherever and with whomever the Lord directs me.

·        We’ll have to pinch pennies.

·        He’ll be underfoot every day and I’ll lose my independence at home.

I’m embarrassed now to read all those self centered things!  I’m embarrassed that I thought so little about Jim’s adjustment and so much about my own!  How completely and utterly selfish!

I should have remembered back then one of my own Dot-isms:  95% of the things we worry about never come to pass!

·        Jim’s late nights at work never were caused by car accidents, although I ALWAYS worried that they were.

·        The test results never were cancer (except once), although I’d lose sleep over EVERY test, always imagining the worst.

·        The job interview, or the yearly review, was always better than I thought it would be, although I never thought that would be the outcome.

So why did I think that retirement would be so confining?  Habit, I guess.  One that’s way past needing to be replaced with TRUST.

Jim is a great guy and a great husband.  Spending more time with him has been one of the BEST perks of his retirement.  We have lunch together, we go to the gym together (if he didn’t go I’d NEVER go, so this is GOOD), we have regular Tuesday date nights because now he’s never home late!  

We share our car, but I’m the one using it most.  I still have complete independence, just the way I always did when we had two cars.  We do go more places together but it's actually fun!

Jim has found plenty to do.  He does some consulting in accounting, he is our church treasurer, he does taxes.  He’s free to say yes to serving in the kitchen for the church’s senior luncheon, for painting the hall ways at church, and for helping to install new cabinets in the kitchen there.  We don't always do things together.

Now we can stop for lunch when we’re out on an errand, go to a movie in the afternoon, go on a trip overnight in the middle of the week, spend a week in Florida in FEBRUARY!  I love this retirement thing!

And instead of having to “give up” ministry, the Lord has expanded ministry horizons for me to include teens, and that keeps me thinking young!  

I wish I could say, when it comes to worrying about the future, “I’ll never do THAT again!”, but knowing me, I’ll forget all about that Dot-ism, and have to learn the hard way that while the future will mean change – the change doesn’t have to be BAD.

It can turn out to be exciting, interesting and always new!

YOU SHALL HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME

I love my life!  It’s joyous and satisfying, and I sometimes have to pinch myself that I get to live it!  

Each week I get to lead middle schoolers through a passage of the Bible and then step back and observe while they learn to think biblically and apply God’s Word to their everyday lives.  Now and then they also share how what we learned impacted them in a given week.  It’s awesome to watch the Lord at work in them!

For 12 weeks this fall and winter I studied faith lessons from the life of Abraham in the book of Genesis and listened as women volunteered answers and shared what they were learning as we looked into a passage together.  Sometimes they told me later what impact a lesson had on their marriage, or in their walk with the Lord.  How exciting!

I get to catch a glimpse of what the Lord is doing in the lives of numbers of women of all ages as the Lord grows them into the godly wives, and mothers, and young adults He sees them to be, and I think:  life just doesn't get any better than this!

I’ve noticed something recently however.  I’ve noticed that sometimes ministry gets in the way of my own relationship with the Lord.  I find that I get too busy to pursue Him, too busy to spend much time in prayer, too busy studying in preparation to teach others, so that in the end, I have no time to spend listening to what the Lord wants to say to ME.  

It makes me wonder, have I been settling for the good (and it has been better than just good, it has been GREAT), and missing the Lord’s best?

I don’t think for a moment that all of these wonderful opportunities to teach and to serve are things from which the Lord would have me turn away.  No, I think He is the One doing the leading, the One guiding me into these opportunities.  But I think He just might be reminding me that I need to be very careful not to let the gifts become more valuable and precious than the giver.

In “My Utmost for His Highest”, for February 6^th, Oswald Chambers referred to Abraham’s near sacrifice of his long awaited son, Isaac.  Abraham had been given wonderful promises by God which were for him and his descendants.  The only problem was that at 75 years of age, Abraham didn’t have any descendants.  The Lord promised him that he would indeed have a son and the promised son finally came, miraculously, 25 years later when Abraham was described as: “as good as dead”.  

Since the Lord had promised Abraham that it was through Isaac that all the promises to him would be fulfilled, it undoubtedly came as a complete surprise when God asked Abraham to sacrifice that very son as an offering.

We’re told in the New Testament book of Hebrews, in chapter 11, that Abraham went ahead with the plan to sacrifice his son, reasoning that if the Lord had given him this son, and all of the promises made to him were to come through Isaac, and now the Lord was asking him to sacrifice that son – then the Lord intended to raise Isaac from the dead.  At the very last moment, God stayed his hand and provided a substitute for Abraham's beloved son (foreshadowing God's own sacrifice of His Beloved Son, Jesus, who would die and be resurrected). 

Chambers applies this to his readers in the here and now when he says:

“Are you ready to be poured out as an offering (the way Isaac was)?  It is an act of your will, not your emotions. . . . . You must be willing to be placed on the altar and go through the fire; willing to experience what the altar represents – burning, purification, and separation for only one purpose – the elimination of every desire and affection not grounded in or directed toward God. . . . Tell God you are ready to be poured out as an offering, and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be.”

For some reason, reading that made me wonder whether my joyous and satisfying life is centered more in “affection not grounded in or directed toward God”.  

Has doing ministry been displacing God from His rightful place in my heart?  

That question comes again to the forefront of my mind:  If everything were stripped away, and I had only the Lord, would HE be enough?  if tomorrow my health should fail, or my life circumstances change - and all I know and love were stripped away -

would my life be as satisfying and joyful as it is now?  Would knowing the Lord and fellowshipping with Him - with nothing else to occupy me - be enough?  

Where does my joy and satisfaction rest - in ministry or in the Lord Himself?

I can tell you I’ll be thinking and praying about this for a while, giving over my other affections, so that nothing gets in the way of God proving "Himself to be all I've ever dreamed He would be."

THE GREAT ADVENTURE OF WALKING WITH JESUS!

A couple of years ago I became friends with a lovely Peruvian lady who works at a local diner bussing tables.  I took 3 years of Spanish in high school more than 40 years ago now.  I was not very fluent in the language then, so as you can imagine, I’m even LESS fluent now.  Martha speaks almost no English as well, yet somehow, we manage to “converse” about children, grandchildren and the weather.  That friendship made me think that it would be so helpful to learn to teach English as a second language so that Martha and others like her might better adjust to their new culture and navigate more easily.

With our close proximity to New York City where many men work, our county draws people from all over the world.  The street we live on is a cul de sac on both sides and the population occupying the homes represents people from all over the world!  We have Asians – Koreans, Chinese, and Japanese.  We have East Indians.   We have Philippinos, Malaysians, Egyptians – all of them first generation – and their children, some of them American born.  And then we have us - second, third and beyond European types but we are quickly becoming the minority!  We don’t have to travel far these days to hear other languages and experience another culture – and I love it!

After meeting Martha one of the desires the Lord put in my heart was to get some kind of training in ESL (English As A Second Language).  It wasn’t long after that I notice a flyer at our library offering free training and I was very excited!  The down side was that the training was offered at a time when I was not free.  

The next year it was advertised again and my excitement was renewed, however, I discovered that with the training came a commitment to participate in the library’s ESL program for a year, meeting once a week for an hour and a half with your student.  That year I was doing a number of other ministry related things at church and was afraid I wouldn’t be able to fulfill the commitment, so I had to let the opportunity go.

Then finally this fall everything came together.  The class was offered at a time I was free and I thought I could fit the year long one and half hour sessions into my schedule, so I signed up.  I met with about 20 others for 8 hours total of training, which was interesting, informative and challenging.

The librarian trainers told us that most of the people who are interested in ESL tutoring are beginners.  Although I’m a trained teacher, all of my teaching was with young children.  That lack of experience teaching advanced grammar concepts, combined with the many years since I’d actually studied English grammar, made me anxious about teaching anything but a beginner.  So I breathed a sigh of relief.  

And then I received information about the young woman I’d be teaching – she was described as intermediate.  I immediately began to kick myself for not paying better attention in class when they gave some suggestions for teaching intermediate students!  In her e mail of information about my student, the librarian said that if I thought for any reason the match wouldn’t work, I could request someone else.

I have to admit, my initial thought was, “yes”!  I thought I was getting a beginner, I’d never done this before.   What would I do with someone who might actually need help in advanced grammar???  

And then I stopped whining and complaining, and faith kicked in.  I knew the Lord had been leading me to do this for some time.  I hadn’t requested any particular level of student because I had prayed for the Lord to do the matching, so now I had to walk by faith that this student was HIS student.  So I said yes and made arrangements to meet Eri.

Eri is a lovely young Japanese woman (whose name is actually pronounced Eddie) and has been living in the states for some time.  She’s the mother of two young children and her husband works in New York City.  In her former life, before kids, she was a dietician in Japan, so she’s well educated as well as sweet and smiling and polite.  And her grammar is excellent!  Whew!  What a blessing!

In those first conversations back in the fall when we were still finding out about each other, Eri told me that she and her husband had been living in Idaho (yes, there apparently really are people living in Idaho – although I have never met anyone else from there – sorry you Idahoians!) while Kaz went to school.  There they were befriended by Kaz’s ESL teacher – a woman who, along with her husband, had been missionaries in Japan for 19 years and who had a ministry to international students!

I heard “missionaries” and my heart did a flip!  That was the confirmation I needed that being paired with Eri was not a chance encounter.  It was a divine encounter, orchestrated by God to bring her and me together.  

At some point I mentioned something about my church and Eri told me that they attended a Christian church in our town.  When I asked if she was a Christian, she said, “We’re learning”.  I was already impressed that this young couple had sought to continue to learn about what it means to be a Christian by venturing out on their own here in New Jersey to become part of a Christian fellowship.  That takes courage!

So Eri and I are new friends, but we are more than that, because the Spirit of the Lord is moving in both our hearts, drawing us together and blessing us in ways neither of us imagined, and in ways we’ve yet to see.

Following Jesus is an adventure – an adventure that has taken me to exciting places I didn’t plan to go and never would have dreamed.  His plan for us is so much bigger and better than anything we could dream for ourselves.  

And what could be better than encouraging someone seeking to know Him so that one day they too will walk with Him.  And I didn’t have to go to Japan to do it!

Want to live more than just a ho-hum Christian life?  Then “delight in the Lord” and let Him put HIS desires in your heart, and get ready. . . . adventure will surely follow! 

All you have to do is say, “Yes, Lord, lead the way.  I’m right behind you!”

REMEMBERING MOM

I miss my mom.  It was 7 years ago on Monday, January 17 when I finished a lecture for Bible Study Fellowship International on Romans 8.  When I went to the back of the church after, one of the other leaders said, "You were a little off tonight.  Are you worried about your mom?"

The next day Mom was scheduled for an angiogram.  Is it possible not to worry about these things with our aging parents?  It wasn't possible for me.  Anyway, Jim and I had been visiting Mom in Florida in December.  We'd gone to see "The Nativity" at a local movie theater and I noticed that Mom was really winded just from walking across the parking lot and I was concerned because I thought her shortness of breath was from bronchitis.  The next day I noticed that her ankles were swollen and I immediately thought of my dad who had frequently experienced that due to heart related issues - and my concern soared.  So I was concerned about that test.

I had called to pray with mom on the morning of the test and then I heard nothing until the phone call that would change everything.  My stepdad Lee called to tell me that Mom had had a stroke during the test.  Before the stroke the doctors determined that all that shortness of breath and exhaustion was caused by a faulty heart valve which would need to be replaced.  As soon as we could get a flight, my brother and I left for Florida.

When our flight landed, we went straight to the hospital.  Mom was in the stroke unit. She seemed animated and in good spirits and she was talking a mile a minute, but we couldn't understand anything she said.  It was awful!  The animation, and good spirits, and talkative nature was Mom all over, but she was frustrated that no one could understand her, especially her husband who was already hampered with a hearing loss!

Mom was there for about a week and then was transferred to rehab center near her home. Gradually, thanks to the new drugs for stroke victims, she did regain some of her ability to be understood and in some ways seemed like her old self.  However, they warned us that unless she could more fully recover from the stroke, she couldn't have the valve surgery she needed to survive.  Because her ability to swallow was impaired by the stroke they had to surgically insert a feeding tube.  We hoped this would enable her to regain her strength, but the very "food" that would make that happen increased the fluid around her already weakened heart.

When Mom went into the rehab center I came home and resumed preparation for the next Bible Study Fellowship lecture.  I was halfway through that when Lee called to tell me Mom was back in the hospital with congestive heart failure.  So I dropped everything and flew back down.  When the nurse caring for my mom in the emergency room left the room for a minute, I followed him, and asked what he thought was her prognosis.  He said two weeks.  It was a terrible wake up call to realize that my mom, who had been such a strong, take charge, and independent woman was now near the end of her life.  I hated to think of it.

My brother and I had a talk.  We agreed that one of us should be there, for Mom, as well as for our stepdad and his daughter.  It was agreed that the someone should be me.  My position in BSF was a critical one, especially at that particular time, but in praying about it and weighing the pros and cons of staying or going, I could NOT leave my mom.  And so on February 13, my 60th birthday, I sent them my letter of resignation and so ended the ministry involvement that had been the focus of the last 18 years of my life.  It was a bittersweet parting, but I was convinced it was the right one.

In order to understand why this was such a critical decision, you need to understand something about the relationship between my mom and me.  I loved my mom and she loved me - but we were as unalike as two people could be.  Mom was a people person.  She was great with people, something of  a people magnet really.  Elderly folks especially, were drawn to her and she to them.  Mom had a way of making them feel instantly comfortable and cared about. 

She could go anywhere without knowing a single person and manage to strike up a friendly conversation with a perfect stranger.  Mom found it difficult to be in the same room with other people and NOT talk to them.  She had a flare for telling stories and whenever she had an audience, she'd tell one, which was guaranteed to throw everyone into fits of hysteria.  The last time she "held court" with her story telling was at our daughter's wedding just two year previously.

When it came to personality, I was nothing like Mom.  I was the quiet one.  If I had a choice between being with people or reading a good book, I chose the book every time!  Around people, especially people I didn't know, I felt shy and awkward and preferred to fade into the background.  Mom would rarely let me do that.  She would want to introduce me, and I would wish she'd pretend she didn't know me!  I would never tell a funny story because as soon as all eyes were on me, I'd become uncomfortable and mess up the details and the story would fall flat.  My stories did NOT draw a crowd.

A perfect illustration of how this clash of personalities was always causing friction between us was when I was in high school.  I'd been invited to a birthday party by a girl I knew from the place we vacationed in the summer.  I didn't know the girl all that well, and I certainly knew none of the others who would be at the party.  Mom, loving people and parties herself, pressured me to say yes, but when the day of the party came, I refused to go.  Mom didn't understand how the party she would have been thrilled to attend herself at my age, sent me into a panic of discomfort!

Our different ways of looking at these things often had us at odds.  So when I had an opportunity to put love into action with Mom, I wanted to seize it and not shift it to someone else.  The decision of whether to stay with Mom or leave so that I could fulfill my responsibility to BSF was difficult, but once made, I never regretted the choice.

The weeks I spent with Mom were so precious to us both.  After being transferred from the nursing home back to the hospital, she caught C Diff.  This is a highly contagious virus that causes serious diarrhea.  It's hugely uncomfortable for the patient and depletes their already flagging strength.  Coupled with the difficulty Mom was having being fed from the feeding tube, she just kept getting weaker.

But, I was able to care for her in ways I had never had to do before.  I did the cleansing of her body at times.  I slept in the same room so that when she woke she wouldn't become disoriented.  Once I began to be better able to understand her, I became Mom's translator - with hospital personnel and with Lee, who had such difficulty hearing her quieter voice.

There was a night that was especially sweet.  Mom woke, and I got up myself so that I could see if there was something she wanted.  Instead of saying anything, she just motioned for me to come closer.  I got up close to the bed and leaned over.  She said nothing, but motioned me to come closer.  She didn't stop indicating that I was to come closer until I was in bed with her and we were snuggled up together.  I sang hymns, we talked about heaven, and I prayed for her.  I was so grateful to the hospital staff for leaving us alone and allowing me to stay every night she was there.  Thankfully, she was the only patient in the room.  I felt as if that room was a sanctuary - with only Mom, me and the Lord occupying it.  I'll treasure those times.

At the end of a week long stay, Mom was pronounced clear of the C Diff infection and released to go home.  Lee had taken care of his first wife for years as she suffered through the debilitating disease that is MS, and so he knew what was needed as we prepared for Mom to go home.  When we arrived at the house it had been furnished with a hospital bed, and all the things we'd need to care for Mom.  But she was home for only two nights before she was admitted once again to the hospital.

This time around the doctors were much more up front about her prognosis.  They were suggesting a hospice care home.  Hospice provides only palliative care for those with six months or less of life.  The hospital could do no more for Mom.

 I remember she was reluctant to go.  Just hearing the word "hospice" kind of forces us to face our mortality.  Right or wrong, we supported the hospice nurse when she told of someone who had been in hospice on a feeding tube but then no longer needed it and could go home.  When Mom heard that, she was more willing to go, although the family was under no illusion that she would recover.

What a beautiful place the hospice center proved to be!  It was quiet and private.  Mom had a huge room of her own where the entire family could stay - all day and all night - if they chose.  And because we could, we did.  At the end of the day, some of us would go home, but someone would always stay through the night.  There was a lovely kitchen there for family members, well supplied with cake and coffee donated by a local bakery.  And the staff was wonderful to Mom, treating her with kindness and patience and respect.  If we had needed it, there were counselors on hand as well to support the family.

Since my brother and I are believers in Jesus and so was Mom, our time together reinforced her faith as well as ours. It was a time to sing the great hymns of the faith, to talk about the surety of heaven that awaits all those who belong to Jesus, and it was a time to read the Scriptures that give us hope and confidence about our future.  Mom's room became a holy place.

Early in the day on which Mom would meet Jesus, she called us all in for prayer.  I had been sitting outside thinking and praying about what was ahead for her and us when I received the call to come.  I wondered if Mom had taken a turn for the worse and wanted us to pray her through it.  But that's not what she had in mind at all.  SHE wanted to pray for US!  She raised her hands in each of our directions (my brother, Lee, his daughter Debbie, and I), and she prayed.  We were unable to understand what she said, but it doesn't matter, Jesus knows.  How precious it was to have Mom pray for ME at that time, on that day.

Sometime in the evening, Mom drifted into unconsciousness and passed from this life to the next, to look into the face of Jesus.  It was a time of sadness, but for my brother and me, it was also a time of incredible joy!  Mom was with the Lord at last!

How grateful I am that we had that time together.  Mom and I were so different, but the experiences we shared during those difficult days knitted us together in a way that we always longed for, but struggled to enjoy. 

One day I am going to see Mom again.  I am as sure of that as I am that the sun will rise tomorrow.  And when we meet at heaven's gate there will never again be a time when one of us has trouble understanding the other!  And best of all, we will know the joy of being with Jesus - together.

I love you Mom.                        Marilyn Ruth Cuttell Kaden Fernquist 1928-2007