THE DREAM

I tend to dream a lot.  My dreams are very vivid.  They’re filled with people I recognize, colors I remember later, and ridiculously small details that I often can’t believe found their way in there. Usually, I don’t even try to assign any significance to them.  They’re entertaining to relate to my family in the morning, but no more.  But there was one dream I had many years ago that I do recall often, because its message seemed profound in a way I couldn’t, at first, figure out.

In the dream I was coming home, but “home” wasn’t the split level home in the suburbs in which I currently lived with my husband and children.  “Home” was a three story walk up in a sleazy looking tenement style building in a row of other tenement style buildings.  I was aware that no one else, my husband and children included, knew about the place.  I was keeping it a secret.

 I walked up the three dimly lit flights of stairs to a small landing and unlocked the door to my apartment.  Like one of the homes I lived in when I was a kid, this one also had railroad rooms, where you entered into the kitchen, made a right and went from one room to the next, like cars in a train.   

My dream “home” was just like that.  I entered through the hallway door into the kitchen and then went down the hall through bedroom after bedroom.  As I walked I noticed that the rooms were sparsely furnished, with the beds unmade. On the floor in the corner of each room was a small mound of a white powdery substance I recognized as mouse poison.  Obviously, my apartment had 4 legged “guests”.  I remember wondering why I would ever have a secret apartment like that one.  I felt ashamed of this place.  It was dark and dingy and it had mice!  No wonder I kept it secret!  I could never invite anyone there.

And then I reached the last room, the living room, and was taken completely by surprise.  I faced a wall of windows and the view was amazing!  It was a cityscape, twinkling with a million tiny lights.  It revealed a view to take your breath away.  All by itself it made this apartment worth keeping.

I looked around.  Not only was it beautifully furnished, but everywhere I looked there were things that I counted as treasures.  Beautiful statues and paintings of things I thought to be lovely were everywhere.  Jewelry, not of much real material value, but rich with sentimental value, was lying out on tables, to be admired. Articles of clothing I loved, like my favorite dress in second grade, and the camel coat with the faux fur collar my dad bought me one Christmas Eve, were displayed on racks or laid over furniture.  Photos that had special meaning were on shelves. 

No one entering the apartment by the kitchen door, or walking through the bedrooms would ever have suspected that such a room, or such treasures, even existed. My heart was overflowing with joy as I looked around that room.  It was so beautiful that I could cry!  And then I woke and the dream was over.  Some dreams, although I think I’ll remember them the next day, are quickly forgotten, but not this one.  I spent a lot of time thinking about it in the days ahead, sensing that there was a message in it for me. 

In order to understand how I found meaning in this dream, you need to know a little about me.  I tend to be a quiet, private person.  I had always envied people who seemed to make friends so easily while it took me forever.  I love people and I love having friends, but I spent a good deal of my adult life hiding behind quietness and insecurity, afraid that when people knew me better they might not like me.  And then I had the dream.

Eventually God used that dream to help me to understand something about myself.  The “home” which I was keeping secret from everyone else – even some of those closest to me – was ME.  As I saw it, it wasn’t a pretty place – it was dark and stark and unkempt – and it had mice!  I was ashamed to have anyone in for a visit.  God helped me see that every time I kept someone at arm’s length, every time I related only on a superficial level, I was attempting to hide from them those areas of my life that embarrassed me.  Like my less than perfect mothering skills, or my rampant insecurities about my abilities, or my often present  feeling of being “less than” other women whom I thought of as prettier, smarter, stronger, more likeable than I.

Eventually I also began to understand the meaning of the beautiful living room, hidden away at the end of the house, full of precious treasures.  The “home” that was me, wasn’t only full of things I’d rather others not see, there were also treasures I was hiding! This was a revelation because I never thought of myself as having treasures worth sharing!  Over time God has helped me to see that the compassion He’s planted in my heart – for the dying, for the developmentally challenged, for foreigners living in the country for the first time, for teens – all of these are treasures.  He’s helped me to value the sense of humor and adventure He’s planted within, and the gift of teaching and all the opportunities to use it that He’s given me.

He helped me to see that while I was hiding the things about me of which I was ashamed, refusing to share them with anyone else, I was also hiding the treasures.  Potential friends I allowed in might move through the rooms of my “home” that I wasn’t so proud of, but if they stayed with it long enough, they’d also share my treasures.  And there WERE treasures to share!

Over time I’ve come to embrace what God showed me.  I no longer hide my dark “rooms”.  When I’ve had the courage to share what’s in them, my failings resonate with others who’ve faced similar things and I find myself blessed with new and lasting friends who “get” me even as I “get” them.  I have the courage now to live my treasures as well as share them – like the adverturesomeness of zip lining, the craziness of dressing up for April Fool’s Day with my granddaughter and posting the photos on Facebook, the blessing of saying YES to a mission’s trip at the age of 61!

I’ve dreamed a lot of dreams since that night long ago, and I still chuckle over most of them with my family, but none have had the impact on my life that that one had.  I’m so grateful for the lesson the Lord taught me through it.

WHAT IF JESUS HADN'T COME?

 On Sunday our pastor read part of a letter from a missionary family.  They recounted some of the challenges they were facing, challenges that would tax any of us.  At the end of their letter they asked this question:  “What if Jesus hadn’t come?” 

Well, what if He hadn’t? 

As I reflected on how I might answer that question, one thought came to mind:  life would be hopeless.  

If Jesus hadn’t come I’d still be working furiously in an effort to win God’s approval with my works, and never, ever, really knowing if it was enough to balance out my faults and failures.

I would never know the wonderful assurance that I had been forgiven – not because I deserved it – but because Jesus made it possible.  Instead I would be consumed by my guilt and fearful.

If Jesus hadn’t come, joy would remain elusive.  Oh, there would be happiness in happy things – people, birthdays, new jobs, new babies – but the joy that comes from knowing Jesus, even when life holds no joy, would be absent.

When life brought despair through deaths, divorces, disease, tragedy – there would be nowhere to turn for true and lasting comfort.  Only a “cross your fingers and hope for the best” dream to hold onto.   The promise that “all things work together for the good to those who love God” would be absent.

Without Jesus, God would remain “out there”, seemingly distant, indifferent, removed from the suffering of us humans.  

Without Jesus I would go on thinking of God as the heavenly policeman, ready to smack me upside the head every time I stepped out of line.  I would never understand His love, a love that would sacrifice its BEST, had Jesus not come.   

There would be no intimacy with my Heavenly Father, no sweet awareness of His nearness.

BUT Jesus HAS come and His coming fills me with a CONFIDENT hope!

Living within me by His Spirit, He fills me with peace, comfort, the companionship of His presence, power for living a godly life.  I never again need to walk the tenuous balance between doing good, and not doing bad, to gain God’s approval.  I already have it.  It was made mine thorough faith in the death and resurrection of Jesus.  Forgiveness for the sin that still so easily besets me, is just a prayer away.

When the sorrows and challenges of this world threaten to overwhelm me, I can rest in God’s sovereignty and trust His promise that “ALL things work together for (my good)”, because He is FOR me.

All my guilt has been removed.  Jesus has paid for my sin IN FULL.

This world with its joys, and also its heavy sorrows, is not my final destiny. Heaven is my home.  On the day that I enter its gates, the presence of sin – in me and in my environment – will be a thing of the past.  The Lord Jesus will rule in righteousness and I will know fullness of joy when I SEE Him face to face!  On that day, when I leave this life for the next, Jesus will welcome me home! 

One day, my body, which has been so ravaged by sin will be glorified.  No sin, no sickness, no death, no crying, no sorrow!   The sting of death, and its victory over me, has been won by my victorious Savior! 

Jesus HAS come and His coming has made ALL the difference in my life.  Confident, expectant hope is the hallmark of my faith! 

I'VE GOT THE JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY

Oh my goodness!  For a reason unknown to me I have been trying since September to access my blog, without success.  But today, with the help of my WONDERFUL husband, I am finally back!  I’m so thankful!

It has been a whirlwind of a month, and we still have two and half weeks to go!  In early December I had to have an angiogram for a possible blockage in my heart.  With heart problems on both sides of my family, and a younger brother who had a heart attack, this caused a bit of anxiety.  However, the test was false positive!  Rejoicing all around!

Then, just this week we were hit with a family problem which has disappointed and upset us and increased all our anxiety levels.  It’s not likely to be over quickly either, so the forecast is still - angst ahead. 

In response to a request for prayer which I sent out this week, a friend replied, “Don’t let this rob you of the joy of anticipating the birth of Emmanuel – ‘God with us’”. 

Even when things are not going the way we wish, even though there is anxiety and stress – we can still experience the joy of the Lord, which is our strength, and I certainly want to do that at this sacred time of year.  Despite the stresses of the month so far, joy also abounds!

On Tuesday of this week, after I taught my last lesson in a 10 week-long series on the life of Joseph, the son of Jacob, from the book of Genesis, one of the women attending spoke to me.  Her words were, “I wanted you to know that the study of Joseph has profoundly changed my life.”   On that day I had graciously received a gift card, a candle, and a cross to hang on my wall – but it was THAT gift that filled this teacher’s heart with joy.  Transformed hearts is what Bible teaching is all about, so when it happens, all those hours of preparation for teaching feel so worthwhile.  Transformed hearts bring me great joy!

After class I went to visit one of my hospice patients (I’m a hospice volunteer).  My patient was sound asleep and remained that way through my entire visit, despite my gentle efforts to wake her.  However, she happened to be sitting right next to a 7 foot, decorated Christmas tree, in the nursing home where she lives, which gave the room such a festive air.  Gathered around her were a half dozen or so other residents in various states of memory loss, simply sitting and staring. 

As it happened, the lady I sat next to was clapping and humming to an old song from the post war days that I remember my mom singing.  So, I began to sing what I remembered of the words and noticed that others in the crowd of previously almost catatonic residents had begun to tap their feet, hum, or wave their arms to the music. 

With this suddenly very attentive audience, we began an impromptu sing-along of seasonal favorites.  

What a blessing it was to see people who just a moment before seemed totally disengaged with the activity around them, suddenly perk up.  We had a blast and I found my heart FULL of the joy of the season, the joy of showing the love of Jesus to these folks, and the joy of watching music bring them to life.  It was a sweet moment of celebration.

Then it was Wednesday.  Usually on a Wednesday morning I can be found at my town library meeting with four lovely foreign ladies who are my “English as a Second Language” (ESL) students.  But last Wednesday we had decided that instead of our usual meeting, we would drive together to a church in a neighboring town for a Christmas concert in which two of our group were singing.  The music was wonderful! 

The biggest blessing for me, other than being with my students, was to hear carols so familiar to me sung in Japanese.  I couldn’t help but think of heaven, when all believers in Jesus – from every tongue and nation - will sing His praises together.  I don’t know if we’ll retain a knowledge of our earthly languages, but it just might be that we’ll have the thrill of singing the same praise songs, in beautiful harmony – each in our own earthly tongue.  What a sound that would make!  Joy, joy and more joy!

Later that afternoon I had the blessing of having tea with another friend.  Elizabeth is from Kenya.  She left two sons back home so that she could come to the US to make more money than she could make in Kenya and send her boys to university.  Elizabeth is the home care aide for another of my hospice patients.  Early on we discovered that we both love Jesus – instant friendship!  We had a lovely time learning more about one another and praying together, her black hands entwined with my white ones.  Another taste of heaven – and fullness of joy!

Then yesterday, Friday, I hosted a Christmas brunch for my ESL students.  I try to have a brunch every 4-6 weeks in my home as an opportunity for us to enjoy one another’s company in a less formal setting.  Since everyone contributes food, we can also sample foods familiar and not so familiar.  Lots of conversation is generated over a table laden with food.  We look forward to these brunches like little girls anticipating a tea party! 

This time I planned a surprise.  In addition to my ESL students, I also invited 6 of my own American friends to join us, but I didn’t tell my students.  I knew they would be terrified!  The instructions I gave my friends was to speak slowly, ask questions, talk less and listen more, in order to give my ESL students a chance to use their English.  What a wonderful morning it proved to be as the conversation, interspersed with laughter, flew back and forth across the tables!

Once again I found myself full of joy, praising the Lord for putting it into my heart to volunteer to be an ESL tutor.  I know that all I’m doing to help my students become more adept at English is blessing them because they tell me, and I can actually see the improvement in their confidence level. 

What has really blown me away though, is the HUGE blessing I receive!  These lovely women have added so much richness to my life with their sweetness and kindness.  Our relationship together is about so much more than just tutor and students.  They share the concerns of their mothers’ hearts, the warmth of their friendship, and their challenges of living here in the United States with me.  For my part, I not only help them with English, I serve as a kind of surrogate mother, cheerleader, and friend.

So, while this month had a little more than its share of angst, my cup is overflowing with gratitude to my Lord for all the ways in which He has filled me with His joy.

Someone once said that happiness comes from happenings and I’ve had plenty of delightful happenings to bring me happiness this week.  However, there is something so much better than happiness, something deeper that fills my heart when happy happenings are hard to find – and that “something” is the joy of the Lord.  I can have that any and every time – even in the anxious ones – when I think about Jesus and all the ways in which He’s blessed me.