TUSCARORA RETREAT REFLECTIONS - MAY 2013

The long awaited yearly retreat at Tuscarora Inn in Pennsylvania has come and gone.  After two weeks of not feeling well, having battled not one but two, major infections I was feeling physically depleted, but also emotionally burned out from a long year of ministry to women and middle and senior high youth. The medication I was taking for the infections was interacting with another medication I take leaving me fuzzy brained and drained. 

All that week before I longed for Tuscarora.  I dreamed of sitting in some of my favorite meditation spots – under the lilac arbor where no one else ever seemed to go – or on the deck, or a bench overlooking the wide expanse of the beautiful and serene Delaware River. I longed to sit by myself with only the sound of birdsong in my ears while my heart stayed still, attuned for the voice of the Lord to speak His Words directly to me through His Word and the mouth and heart of the speaker. 

As the weekend unfolded, the fulfillment of my longings washed away one by one, the first in two days of non-stop rain.  There were no quiet moments in favorite little outdoor nooks – all my quiet moments were spent in the cabin my sister in law and I shared.  Instead of meditating, I found myself napping!  I was so disappointed! This retreat was not living up to my expectations in the weather department!

Having spent a good deal of the year giving out in ministry, I was also longing to be spiritually fed, encouraged, and challenged. In past years the speakers filled my ears and my notebooks with what to me were profound and personal messages spoken directly from God’s heart to mine, and pointing to the area of my life where I needed them most.    

Messages like: 

·        “Stay in the game no matter how old you are!” ministered God’s encouragement when hitting 60 was making me think that maybe my best ministry years were behind me.

·        Or “Come away with me, Dot”, when I was exhausted and drained from too much ministry and not enough time in relationship with Jesus, the only source of spiritual power and effectiveness.  

·        And “Jesus First” when I had forgotten AGAIN that Jesus – not other people, not my computer – had to be first in my affections.

All of these were playing in my mind, enhancing my expectation for what the Lord had for me this year.  A personal message from the Lord is what I longed for as I left New Jersey for Pennsylvania! But this year was not like other years.

This year’s speaker was wonderful but her presentation was not what I expected or thought I needed.  Instead of taking notes, I listened while she told the story of the sacrifices of God, beginning with Genesis, that would lead to the Perfect and Ultimate Sacrifice, the Lord Jesus Himself.  She kept us spellbound as she demonstrated how she and the missionaries in her team in Peru would verbally share the gospel message with those who could not read, and had no Bible in their own language.  It was fascinating and exciting to hear what the Lord was doing in Peru – but not exactly the kind of message I was hoping to hear.  

With no notes to review and no specific Bible passage to reread, I went back to our cabin with my Bible and sought the Lord through the Psalms.  While the time I spent with Him was sweet, the personal words I hoped He had especially for me were elusive.

So while I enjoyed some wonderful fellowship at meals with long time sisters in the Lord, and a sweet time with my sister in law, I went home feeling a bit let down at the ways in which the retreat didn’t live up to my expectations.

On the beautiful Monday following the rainy weekend of the retreat the Lord spoke to me, simply and profoundly.  His message was this:

Dot, your joy and satisfaction doesn’t depend on the Tuscarora retreat you wait for all year.  It doesn’t depend on sun shiny days or quiet spots in which to be alone.  It doesn’t depend on any speaker.  It doesn’t depend on any other person, not Jan (my sister in law), not long-time friends.  It doesn’t depend on delicious meals or the beautiful songs of birds, or the awesomeness of the Delaware River.  All of those things are blessings from me and meant to be enjoyed, but if you are looking to them to fulfill your expectations, you’re looking in the wrong place.

Your joy, peace, contentment, spiritual satisfaction and filling don’t depend on THEM.  They depend on ME and I can be found anywhere.

 At home with your house full of family and very little quiet. On rainy days and snowy days, cold and hot days too.  In the simplicity of the spoken message of the gospel, the most profound truth there is. 

Your expectations were high and you felt you missed out on something, but I was there all along. With your heart focused on dashed expectations, on the gifts instead of the Giver, you missed ME.

So this year’s retreat didn’t live up to my expectations, or what I thought I needed, but the Lord DID speak just the words I needed to hear after a busy year of ministry.  Not for the first time, I needed to be reminded that the Lord, not ministry, is to be first in my affections.

Next year when I go to Tuscarora, I’m going to leave my expectations behind and simply enjoy the Lord where I find Him, whatever the weather or the message.  I think I’m just going to pray, “Lord, reveal yourself in whatever way you choose, but don’t let me miss you!”