UNMASKED

Jim and I read a book recently entitled, A Scandalous Freedom by Steve Brown.  There are some interesting chapter headings, like: “The Gods We Worship. . and the God Who Sets Us Free”; “The Masks We Wear. . . and the Authenticity That Sets Us Free”.  I was especially struck by the latter.  

I often wear a mask. I hide things about myself because I worry that if my Christian brothers and sisters knew those things about me, they’d be horrified.  For example, I drink wine.  There, it’s out there.  I know all the usual arguments against Christians drinking wine, but I do it.  I never get drunk (I know what God says about drunkenness), but I like a glass of wine with dinner.  You have no idea how exhausting it is to keep that from others.  Whew!  It's not a secret anymore! You just might be wearing a mask yourself.

There’s something else I was being less than authentic about and preferring to hide.  When I wrote the blog, Waiting: Sometimes Easy, Sometimes Hard, I wasn’t entirely truthful.  As a Christian and someone who teaches the Bible, I wanted to end that blog on an up note, so I quoted some verses from Psalm 43, because I wanted to be “spiritual” like David who ended even his most gloomy, depressed, and hopeless sounding psalms with a word of praise.  I did it for the sake of my readers because I felt it was “expected”.  But truthfully, I wasn’t feeling it.

In spite of that, I determined that if I woke during the night worrying about my loved one, I was going to meditate on and pray through the words of the psalm:

Hope in God;

For I shall yet praise Him,

The help of my countenance and my God.”

Well, I did wake up.  I did try to pray, to focus my mind on God Himself, to remember the words of the psalmist: to hope, to believe that I will yet praise God, and that He would be the uplifter of my countenance.  You know what, I finally had to be honest with the Lord.  While I know He COULD answer my prayers for my loved one (MY prayers, mind you), I didn’t believe that He actually WOULD.  

If the wine drinking didn’t do it for you, this might be the time some of you might be shocked, or disappointed.  Maybe this knocks me down a few pegs on the pedestal you might have me on (I shouldn’t have been there anyway!).  Regardless of what you think, that is exactly how I felt.

I know why too.  I’ve been here before, years ago, as I mentioned in the blog.  I prayed and prayed through more than five long years, in an extremely scary situation, for the Lord to intervene in someone’s life. As I look back, I can see His hand of protection, His mercy and grace in that one’s life.  But there is so much longing in me for them to come to faith, to know the blessedness of knowing the Lord personally, to use all the gifts God has given them to serve Him and bless others.  I’ve waited a long time, yet it hasn’t happened.  Oh, it may still happen, I know, but waiting for it is so hard.

This time around, I’m praying the same prayers, wanting to see the activity of the Lord, and just seeing things get worse.  Lying awake that night I had to confess what the man who came to Jesus for the healing of his son confessed: “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!”  

I had to say, “I’m so sorry, Lord, for doubting You, but I’ve been here before.  I want so much for this one to come to You, to be on the path that leads to life, but You didn’t answer that prayer the last time I prayed it, and I’m not sure You’ll do it now.”  Perhaps some of you might think talking to God in this way is scandalous.  I think it was just truthful, and doesn’t the Lord know my heart anyway?

Do you know what happened?  Almost instantaneously, a HUGE weight was lifted from my shoulders that night.  It was as if the Lord said, “I know.  I know your fear.  I know your longing.  I know your doubt.  And it’s okay.  I still love you.”  

I was good with that. God still loves me - no matter how much I screw up, no matter that I have doubts, no matter that I sometimes question God’s ways, He still loves me.  How enormously freeing!  

And do you know what?  Today a few things have happened to given me reason to praise Him.  He is lifting up my countenance because things are happening in hearts and lives that are evidence of His work in answer to my prayers for the good of my loved one.  The Lord knows when we need that kind of encouragement and is kind and gracious to give it.

Okay, I’ve taken off two of my masks.  Now it’s your turn.