TUSCARORA RETREAT REFLECTIONS - MAY 2013

The long awaited yearly retreat at Tuscarora Inn in Pennsylvania has come and gone.  After two weeks of not feeling well, having battled not one but two, major infections I was feeling physically depleted, but also emotionally burned out from a long year of ministry to women and middle and senior high youth. The medication I was taking for the infections was interacting with another medication I take leaving me fuzzy brained and drained. 

All that week before I longed for Tuscarora.  I dreamed of sitting in some of my favorite meditation spots – under the lilac arbor where no one else ever seemed to go – or on the deck, or a bench overlooking the wide expanse of the beautiful and serene Delaware River. I longed to sit by myself with only the sound of birdsong in my ears while my heart stayed still, attuned for the voice of the Lord to speak His Words directly to me through His Word and the mouth and heart of the speaker. 

As the weekend unfolded, the fulfillment of my longings washed away one by one, the first in two days of non-stop rain.  There were no quiet moments in favorite little outdoor nooks – all my quiet moments were spent in the cabin my sister in law and I shared.  Instead of meditating, I found myself napping!  I was so disappointed! This retreat was not living up to my expectations in the weather department!

Having spent a good deal of the year giving out in ministry, I was also longing to be spiritually fed, encouraged, and challenged. In past years the speakers filled my ears and my notebooks with what to me were profound and personal messages spoken directly from God’s heart to mine, and pointing to the area of my life where I needed them most.    

Messages like: 

·        “Stay in the game no matter how old you are!” ministered God’s encouragement when hitting 60 was making me think that maybe my best ministry years were behind me.

·        Or “Come away with me, Dot”, when I was exhausted and drained from too much ministry and not enough time in relationship with Jesus, the only source of spiritual power and effectiveness.  

·        And “Jesus First” when I had forgotten AGAIN that Jesus – not other people, not my computer – had to be first in my affections.

All of these were playing in my mind, enhancing my expectation for what the Lord had for me this year.  A personal message from the Lord is what I longed for as I left New Jersey for Pennsylvania! But this year was not like other years.

This year’s speaker was wonderful but her presentation was not what I expected or thought I needed.  Instead of taking notes, I listened while she told the story of the sacrifices of God, beginning with Genesis, that would lead to the Perfect and Ultimate Sacrifice, the Lord Jesus Himself.  She kept us spellbound as she demonstrated how she and the missionaries in her team in Peru would verbally share the gospel message with those who could not read, and had no Bible in their own language.  It was fascinating and exciting to hear what the Lord was doing in Peru – but not exactly the kind of message I was hoping to hear.  

With no notes to review and no specific Bible passage to reread, I went back to our cabin with my Bible and sought the Lord through the Psalms.  While the time I spent with Him was sweet, the personal words I hoped He had especially for me were elusive.

So while I enjoyed some wonderful fellowship at meals with long time sisters in the Lord, and a sweet time with my sister in law, I went home feeling a bit let down at the ways in which the retreat didn’t live up to my expectations.

On the beautiful Monday following the rainy weekend of the retreat the Lord spoke to me, simply and profoundly.  His message was this:

Dot, your joy and satisfaction doesn’t depend on the Tuscarora retreat you wait for all year.  It doesn’t depend on sun shiny days or quiet spots in which to be alone.  It doesn’t depend on any speaker.  It doesn’t depend on any other person, not Jan (my sister in law), not long-time friends.  It doesn’t depend on delicious meals or the beautiful songs of birds, or the awesomeness of the Delaware River.  All of those things are blessings from me and meant to be enjoyed, but if you are looking to them to fulfill your expectations, you’re looking in the wrong place.

Your joy, peace, contentment, spiritual satisfaction and filling don’t depend on THEM.  They depend on ME and I can be found anywhere.

 At home with your house full of family and very little quiet. On rainy days and snowy days, cold and hot days too.  In the simplicity of the spoken message of the gospel, the most profound truth there is. 

Your expectations were high and you felt you missed out on something, but I was there all along. With your heart focused on dashed expectations, on the gifts instead of the Giver, you missed ME.

So this year’s retreat didn’t live up to my expectations, or what I thought I needed, but the Lord DID speak just the words I needed to hear after a busy year of ministry.  Not for the first time, I needed to be reminded that the Lord, not ministry, is to be first in my affections.

Next year when I go to Tuscarora, I’m going to leave my expectations behind and simply enjoy the Lord where I find Him, whatever the weather or the message.  I think I’m just going to pray, “Lord, reveal yourself in whatever way you choose, but don’t let me miss you!”

IT'S TIME TO RETREAT

Webster’s Dictionary defines retreat in the following ways: 

·        In military terms, it is a withdrawal from a position, especially when forced by enemy attack

·        To withdraw to a safe or private place

·        A safe, secluded or quiet place

·        A period of retirement or seclusion, especially one devoted to religious contemplation away from the pressures of ordinary life

At this particular time in my life, I am desperately in need of a retreat – in all the ways Webster’s defines it!

It’s only mid-May, a good month away from the end of a busy church ministry year, and I’m thoroughly depleted - emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I’ve seen the signs for a while – difficulty getting going, especially for nighttime ministry.  A lack of motivation and enthusiasm, passion spent; once clear vision for ministry, now blurred.  I’m overwhelmed with exhaustion, wanting to just sit under my tree, surrounded by spring geraniums and just BE.

I “heard” the Lord speaking to me about this several times in the last few months in the midst of the craziness of activity that has been my life.  He reminded me that doing things FOR Him mattered less than being WITH Him.  I heard Him, but I was just too busy to stop all that “doing” and draw closer.  I indulged in the pride of believing that I was too valuable to His work to slow down now.  After all, I reasoned, “If I don’t do this, who will?”

I thought, “As soon as this event is over, I’ll be able to slow down.”  Not so.  One event was followed by another, with some new ones added to the mix that I hadn’t seen coming, and suddenly there was no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.  Just thinking about the relentlessness of it all added to my exhaustion.  Overwhelmed, overburdened, overstretched – I found myself retreating – in the military sense in which Webster’s defines it:  “withdrawal from a position, especially when forced by enemy attack”.

The “enemy”, sent I believe by a loving Heavenly Father who always knows what’s best for me, was illness.  A double whammy of infections made me feel miserable and physically exhausted.  It has lasted for two weeks.  As if that wasn’t enough, the medications I was given added to the mix, messing with other medications I routinely take, leaving me fuzzy minded and drained, until I was really no good to anyone.  So I HAD to do it.  I HAD to stop, and stop I did.  Full stop.  Retreat FROM all that activity – which stood like an enemy at the gate of my heart, threatening destruction.  The Lord came to my rescue, just in the nick of time.

In just a couple of hours I’m retreating in the other senses in which Webster’s defines “retreat”.   I’m heading off to Pennsylvania, to a retreat center on the banks of the beautiful Delaware River to:

·        Withdraw to a safe and private place

·        A safe, secluded and quiet place

·        For a period of retirement and seclusion, especially one devoted to religious contemplation away from the pressures of ordinary life

There I will join with other women who share my faith in Jesus.  We’ll worship together, be fed from God’s Word, rest in the Lord, renew friendships – and especially, contemplate the goodness and faithfulness of our God away from the pressures of our otherwise ordinary lives.

There I fully expect the Lord to wrap me in the comfort of His presence and administer His grace and rest.  There I fully expect to “hear” His voice, communicating what’s on His heart for my heart. 

What perfect timing for a retreat.  Thank you Lord. 

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

When Jim and I get up in the morning the first thing we do is grab a cup of coffee and watch a little news.  Our choice of news stations varies with the frequency of commercials, so we switch around a lot. I noticed this week, with Mother’s Day approaching, that CBS was doing a series of stories focused on famous mothers and their daughters.  Yesterday it was a former Miss America and this morning it was a well-known politician. 

I love the whole idea of Mother’s Day, a special day set aside to honor mothers.  When I was a kid we even wore carnations on that day – white if your mom was no longer with you, and pink if she was.  We honored my mom with breakfast in bed, or dinner out, sometimes both.  We bought azaleas for the yard, flowers for a vase, candy for her sweet tooth.  This Sunday all over the states, kids, no matter what age, will honor their moms in some way that shows their love and appreciation.

I was really not all that interested though in celebrity moms and their children.  I’m sure those moms had an impact on their children, the way every mom does.  In the society in which I live those celebrity moms already have what many ordinary moms don’t.  They’re on TV for goodness sake.  People know them, they admire them, and that is a reward many “ordinary” moms will never know.  I’m not especially interested in them and the impact they had on their high achieving daughters.

Nope.  The moms I admire would not fall into the category of “celebrity” as our society values the word.

Let me tell you about some of them.

There is my friend Sue who has two grown sons, her only children.  One has severe cerebral palsy and has been near death more than once.  Sue regularly visits this son who is no longer able to live at home.  He cannot speak to her but they communicate perfectly in the way mothers and children do. Her other son, still living with her, has schizophrenia.  She describes him as “a handful”. 

When I saw Sue she often talked about her boys, but I knew her for a very long time before I ever knew about their special needs because she never complained about them.  On the contrary, she was always so grateful to God for those sons and for the life she lives as their mom.  She recognizes openly the hand of God in helping her be the best mom she can be to them.

If Sue ever had a desire for a career, dreams about life after she’d raised her children, a desire to travel or take classes, she long ago set them aside.  She is a mom whose children may not be able to express appreciation to her this Mother’s Day.  Sue is no celebrity. She wasn’t scheduled for a TV slot on CBS, but she’s a mom who is  honored in the eyes of her friends, and whose sacrifice is certainly noted by God.

Then there is my friend Pam.  Pam is the mother of triplet boys, all young adults, all with autism.  I always said when I thought of Pam that the Lord knew the exact kind of mom who could handle multiple children and He saved them for them.  Pam is that kind of mom.  She’s a patient, strong, determined, and very able advocate, as well as loving mom, to those boys.  I never quite knew how she managed!

Pam has a master’s degree and a gift for teaching and she used it in volunteer capacities as well as she could, but her primary role was to be mother to those boys, and it was a full time job!

Last year Pam was diagnosed with advanced cancer.  The last time I visited, near the end of a second round of chemo, I was amazed at her strength – not only physical, but emotional and spiritual.  She spent some time talking about the ordeal she’d been through and then she talked about her boys.  She was getting a lot of help with meals and help at home but she was also trying to make life as normal as possible for them.  She was still trying to pick them up from school, get them to bowling and do all the things she did before she got sick.  Not understanding fully the severity of their mom’s illness they were mostly concerned about how it would affect them.  Pretty normal for kids their age!

Pam didn’t make it on TV this week either.  Her story will probably never make her a celebrity in the eyes of the world, but in my eyes, and in the eyes of God, Pam is a very special mom who is fulfilling her role as mother to those boys just as God intended. 

Then there is my other friend, whom I’ll call Liz.  Liz is a dynamo of a lady, bright, articulate, well-educated and full of energy.  For years she has worked at different paying jobs, while serving in a number of other time consuming volunteer positions in her free time.  She has raised a very bright, polite, gentle, quiet, and absolutely delightful son.

With her son in high school, the world could be Liz’s oyster.  Her considerable intelligence, communication skill, and take charge personality could open doors of opportunity for her to rise to the top of any company for which she might work.  But that’s not what she’s doing.

What she has chosen to do at this time in her life is to care for her ailing parents.  She cared for her dad until his death from Alzheimers and is now taking care of her mom who suffers from a variety of age related diseases.  It’s a full time job that doesn’t leave a lot of time for leisure activity, or the pursuit of a paying job, or even something as simple as time alone. 

What I love about her is that she just does it - daily, faithfully, consistently – seeing the task not as a sprint, but as a marathon, doing what needs doing, pacing herself to see it through to the end.  Not surprisingly, Liz didn’t make it on TV this week either.

I’m going to venture a guess that the majority of you reading this are not a former Miss America, or a well-known politician, or the daughter of one.  Maybe you are “just” the mom of three kids under 5.  Or the mother of a disabled child you’ll care for your entire life.  Or the single mom struggling to make ends meet and be the best mom you can.  Or the adult mother and daughter now caring for your ailing parents as well as your children.  Or the mother of teens, working full time and barely keeping up with all their activities when you are finally home. 

Maybe you were thinking the same thing I was when I saw those celebrity moms: 

“Why don’t they ever show ordinary moms doing ordinary and sometimes extraordinary things – faithfully, lovingly, consistently – over the long haul?” 

Well, you’re a celebrity in my book!  And you matter to God.  The value of what you do isn’t measured by your level of success and celebrity in the eyes of the world.  It’s measured by your faithfulness to live the life God has given you, in the place where He has put you, serving the ones He has given you. 

Whether or not anyone else takes note of you this Sunday, or honors you in a way you might long for, the Lord, the One who sees, takes note Mom.     

Blessings on all of you moms this Mother’s Day.