FEELING VULNERABLE - IN A GOOD WAY

Along with a number of other women of my church, I’m studying Beth Moore’s series on the New Testament book of James.  It has been my assignment to do the weekly homework and then write a summary of the daily readings as a guide for small group discussions.  If you have ever done any teaching then you know, the discipline and study that goes along with preparation causes the teacher to learn more than the students. And in the case of Bible study, to be challenged as well to apply the learning to life, as an example to those who follow.

Last week we were in chapter one of James.  I’ve read the book before, but the wonderful thing about the Bible is that something “old”, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, is always being made “new” in the heart and mind of the believer.  Proof that God’s Word is LIVING, and ACTIVE, even now.

When I read James, chapter 1, I was struck afresh by two things he said.  The first was this:

James 1:5

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all, without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

I’m frequently amazed, although I shouldn’t be, at the way God’s Word speaks directly to my heart and my situation when my heart is open to listening to His Spirit. 

My husband and I have been talking about moving to Florida when our granddaughter (who currently lives with us, along with our daughter and son in law) finishes high school and is off to college, in just a year and a half. 

A move to Florida makes perfect sense from a financial perspective.  Now that Jim is retired and we are living on his pension and part of our Social Security benefits, a move out of the pricey northeast would save us $10,000 a year in property taxes on our home.

A move to Florida would also mean sunnier skies and the absence of snow, especially appealing after this long, cold and snowy winter.  We are feeling the cold more as we get older, and shoveling out our long and wide driveway, to say nothing of driving on slippery roads or navigating icy sidewalks, would not be missed by either of us!

The truth is though that I’ve been struggling with the idea of a move.  My daughter pointed out to me that all I seem to see when I think of moving to Florida is loss - the loss of my church home and family, my longtime friends, the change of seasons, all that’s familiar and comfortable. 

My vision is also clouded by all the “what ifs”.  What if we go and something happens to Jim and I find myself alone with no support system?  What if I can’t deal with all that heat?  I’ve never made friends easily.  What if I don’t make any good friends? 

It took looking at James 1:5 with fresh eyes to remember.  If I need wisdom – and I certainly do – all I have to do is ask the Lord for it - and then I wait. 

I’ve been talking to the Lord about all this, but not in faith, rather in anxiety and fear, as if He has no idea of what I’ve been thinking.  Suddenly the words of James broke through.  I do need wisdom, but I don’t need it immediately for a move that won’t take place for another year or more.  So it’s time to relax and trust the Lord to give me the wisdom – generously, as James says – and in plenty of time to help us make a decision.

I don’t like making any big changes based solely on what seems reasonable. That is the way the world thinks. I want to know the Lord is in the decision making. I prefer to wait on Him and His affirmation before taking such a big step, and so I’m asking Him to give me confirmation of His will for us, because it’s what I need to move forward.  He’s always done this for me and I fully expect Him to do it again.  But not necessarily YET.  I really needed James’ reminder that God WILL provide His wisdom – generously.

Something else happened this weekend that did two things – drive home another lesson from James – and give me some affirmation that it just might be the right time for a move to Florida.

In chapter 1, verses 9-11 James contrasts the rich and the poor.  The questions Beth Moore focused on for that part of the study dealt with God’s attitude toward the poor and the attitudes we Christians should have toward them.  Not really knowing anyone I would consider poor, I thought about my attitude toward the poor for about 5 seconds, and then forgot about whatever my response should be as a believer in Jesus.  Until Friday night.

On Friday night I had plans with my daughter and her friend and her mom, to go into New York City to an opera.  None of us had ever been to the opera (it was on my bucket list) but I’d always wanted to go.  My birthday is this week, so the opera was an early birthday present from my husband.  Because my daughter works for the Columbia University College of Dentistry, she was already in the city and had her car, so it was decided I’d take a bus and meet her there.

I very, very rarely go into New York City even though we only live about a half hour away in the suburbs of New Jersey.  When I do go, I always go with my husband or my daughter and we usually drive and park in the city.  So going alone, and taking public transportation made me a bit anxious, but it was also a much needed wake up call.

Lots of people take public transit and not all of them are impoverished.  Many live in urban areas where parking is difficult, and public transportation, by bus or train or taxi, is easily available and preferred.  But some who do, do so because they can’t afford things like cars, insurance for them, and the gas it takes to fill them.  They are not necessarily impoverished either, they just don’t have money for those luxury items, or choose not to use what they do have in that way. 

Taking public transportation – buses and subways – helped me see what I’m blind to living out here in the suburbs.  An entire population of people who are NOT like me live out there in the world.  Some are just barely managing the bus fare and become panicky when they think they’ve misplaced a precious dollar that will get them from here to there (I saw that on the bus ride to the city).  Young and old, rich and poor, sick and well, all nationalities and languages can be found on public transportation. It was good to remember that there is a vast, rich, and diverse world out there of which I am often unaware.  I needed to remember to leave my judgmental attitude at home in the burbs, see what God sees, and be compassionate and caring.

That wasn’t all I learned through that trip into the city.  I think the Lord also used it to begin the process of helping me to see that my slowing down time is coming.  I have been fighting growing older for a long time.  I dye my hair, I try not to look too closely at the abundant wrinkles on my face and arms (ick!), I think of myself as a youthful 67.  But for some reason, that trek into the city brought the reality of aging closer to home.  I came away from it feeling vulnerable in many ways.  There was the vulnerability I felt at reaching my current age with very little awareness of people “out there” who are not like me.  I didn’t like the way that made me feel and I suspect the Lord will have some more to say to me about this in the days ahead.  Maybe even some kingdom work to do to put His compassion into action.

Some of the vulnerability came from navigating into the city alone and in an unfamiliar way to an unfamiliar place.  Some of it came from walking many blocks on sidewalks still clogged with remnants of last week’s snow and ice.  Every time I crossed a street through slush and ice I worried that I might fall. 

I had borrowed my daughter’s boots and felt they didn’t give me good traction.  My balance was off, so weaving through the crowds on streets and on the floor of the opera house for the first time made me feel old and disoriented.  It was not a good feeling.

In the end, the feeling of vulnerability just might be phase one of the Lord’s plan to get me ready for a move to a less populated state and to a climate where it never snows. 

I was thinking this weekend that maybe I’d send out a message to my friends telling them about my feelings of vulnerability and asking for some encouragement.  That would certainly be nice, but whether or not anyone else ever gave me encouragement, God does.  Feeling vulnerable is not necessarily a bad thing.  It’s just one of the ways in which the Lord reveals Himself to be Himself – a God who loves the poor and the different, a God who is faithful, Who gives wisdom, Who cares for all of His children – as well as for those who don’t acknowledge Him.  He wants them to know Him too.

Although James’s words, and my experiences this week left me feeling vulnerable, and aware of the aging process – I do thank you Lord for all the ways in which you break into my consciousness, applying your truth and showing your love.  Feeling vulnerable is ALWAYS a good thing when it drives me to You and helps me see things the way you do.