A CRISIS OF FAITH

Last spring, we found a church and for the last year have been attending and serving there.  Once we began attending, in an effort to get to know some other women while also studying God’s Word, I joined the summer Bible study.  At the end of the summer study, knowing something of my Bible Study Fellowship background, the leader asked me if I would be willing to facilitate a small discussion group for the fall study.  I said yes, served all through the fall study, and did so again through the winter/spring study. 

In March, a small group of us began planning for this year’s summer study.  Then in mid-April I had a surprise phone call.  The woman who had been leading and administrating the Bible study was stepping down as the leader and she asked if I would replace her.  I did not see this coming and I was immediately thrown.  

Many times, out of great fear and trembling over the 40 or so years since the Lord called me into relationship with Himself, I followed His leading into this very kind of leadership.  The women who serve on the Women’s Ministry Team were thrilled and encouraged me to do it.  But everything in me was screaming, “I don’t want to do this!”

Some of my reluctance was the result of the suddenness.  We’ve only been at this church a year.  I don’t know many women and they don’t know me.  Who was I to be leading this?  

Then there is my age - I’m 70 this year.  I’ve barely had any time to figure out what the Lord has in mind for these “winter of my life” years, and now I have to decide if this is it.  The fear, anxiety and uncertainty that plagued me over the weeks that followed took me as much by surprise as the request!  I lost sleep, my stomach churned, I complained to anyone who would listen.

In my confusion and resistance, I asked the Lord to speak to me from His Word, for affirmation of His will.  Nothing, . . . . . or so I thought.  

Finally, because the start of the summer study was looming and there was no one else to do it, I forced myself to sit down and begin organizing the material so that I could lead my group – even though everything in me was still churning and resisting.  That became the turning point.  Once I began, I realized that I could do what I was being asked to do and immediately I stopped resisting.

It was only this week, as the other members of the Bible Study Team met for the first time, and began going over the first chapter of our study, that I noticed two things that opened my eyes.  The first was a Scripture within the study itself.  

In the study book, “Open Your Bible”, one of the authors tells a story of her grandmother who was struggling with cancer.  She said her grandmother was comforted by the words Jesus spoke about 10 lepers from Luke 17.  The lepers had called out to Jesus, asking Him for pity and while they don’t directly ask for healing, Jesus sees the need and acts.  All He said was, “’Go and show yourselves to the priest”.  This was the Old Testament requirement for proof of healing.  Show yourself to the priest and if he declared you healed, you could reenter society.

 After Jesus speaks to them, this is what we read: “AS THEY WENT they were healed”.  The reason the author’s grandmother was comforted related to her illness, but for me, it was an explanation of why my battle of resistance, once I actually tackled the lesson, was finally over.  AS I BEGAN, I WAS HEALED OF MY FEAR AND ANXIETY.  That was the Lord’s confirmation of His will for me.  It was as if He said, “Just do what I’ve set before you, Dot, and AS you do, I’ll calm your fear and meet every one of your needs.”  

And oh my, has He!  We had an awesome leader’s meeting during which we all felt better equipped for the start of our study next week!  And I was confident IN THE LORD, and not thinking of myself!  What sweet peace!

The other insight came through the leadership training exercise I planned for us when we met.  Using the first chapter of the book, “Spiritual Leadership”, by J. Oswald Sanders, we talked about what servant leadership looks like – in our attitudes toward what the Lord has called us to do, in our relationship as team members, in our relationship with the women and children the Lord will bring.  Servant leadership is all about the Lord and others.  

Part of the reason why I was so strongly resisting the role I was asked to do is because my thoughts were squarely focused on ME!  I didn’t want the responsibility!  I was too new to the church and no one would take me seriously!  I didn’t want to be a leader!  Me, me, me. . . . . that’s all I was thinking about.  Never once, until I began preparing the leadership training, did it occur to me that I was busy resisting because I was only thinking of me and what I did and didn’t want, and not at all thinking of the Lord and what He might want, or the needs of the women (leadership and class members) He had called me to serve!

Once I stopped to think about what the Lord might want, I could see that maybe He had actually brought me to the church “for such a time as this”, so that He might use the gifts and experience He has given me to begin building a structured system that would include, not just Bible study, but the training of leaders as well, so that others might be equipped to carry on after us.

I don’t always understand why I go through these crises of faith, but I know this time I needed a reality check.  In the “winter of my years”, what DO I want to be doing?  There are so many choices!  There are an abundance of interesting clubs in my community, and a wonderful pool.  Then there is travel, so may options, all of them fun and exciting – and not BAD!  My life includes a bit of each of them.  However, what I really want to do is be in the place the Lord has for me, using the gifts and experiences He has given me – not for temporary pleasures – but for that which lasts.  Serving the Lord and others for the good of the Kingdom are things I can do which will live beyond my life, long after I have gone home to heaven.  

I’m so grateful to the Lord for His long suffering nature!  If I had been Him I would have given up on me a long time ago!  But, His mercy is new every morning, His love is unfailing, and His grace is lavish.

Psalm 115:1 “Not to us, not to us, O Lord, but to You, for Your great love and faithfulness!”

A TRIBUTE TO JIM

I’ve written many blogs since I began this blog site but I don’t think I’ve ever written one in honor of my husband Jim.  It’s long overdue!

Probably most of you don’t know that I met Jim on a blind date.  In my last year of college I had been casually dating this guy who had agreed to take me to my college senior prom.  He had also agreed to provide a date for my friend.  Then, maybe a week or so before the prom, we broke up.  I didn’t care that much whether I went to the prom, but I had promised my friend a date and I hated to disappoint her.  So, I began calling all the single guys I knew to see if I could line up a date for her.  No luck.  That’s when Mom stepped in.

My mom was a vice president of a savings in loan and she worked with a lot of women.  One of those women had four sons, so Mom asked if her two oldest might take my friend and me to the prom.  She was very specific that her oldest son Jim should be MY date.  Well, I was thrilled when this very handsome blond haired, blue eyed guy picked me up, and we had a great time at the prom.  We began dating steadily right after, and the rest, as they say, is history!  Fourteen months later, we were married.  This past July marked our 46^th year of marriage.

Like every couple, we had many ups and downs during those years.  Sometimes the downs were pretty low, but now we’re here, just us two, living out our retirement years together, and it’s great.  

If you know Jim, you know he’s a quiet guy.  He says plenty to me, but socializing with groups of people has never been his forte.  That’s why I am so grateful for the kindness and selflessness he’s shown since we made this big move.  He knows how important it is for me to make friends here, so he has been incredibly great, stepping way outside his comfort zone so that I can have friends.  

Not long ago we began having breakfast after church with other couples from our community who also attend our church.  We’ve attended numerous neighborhood get togethers to meet neighbors, and we even took a bus trip to Georgia and North Carolina where we mixed with many of our fellow travelers.  Jim’s willingness to do all these things, for my sake I’m sure, have helped me, and him too, to feel so at home in our community.

Socializing may not be high on Jim’s list of favorite things, but one thing that has always been true of him is that he has a soft, servant’s heart.  Whenever there have been opportunities to serve, Jim steps up, and never complains.  He’s delivered meals long distances in service to people in need from church, driven to the airport for a one neighbor, changed light bulbs for another whose husband was traveling, and he has volunteered to do whatever is needed for a local impoverished public elementary school.    

Yesterday when I was reading the Bible for an upcoming study, I read this in 1 Peter 4:10 and thought of Jim:

“Each one should use whatever gift he has to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.”

I’m thankful that 45 years ago, the Lord intervened in a relationship I had, and as a result, I met Jim.  He is an awesome guy, a faithful husband, and a true servant.  Many have been the recipient of God’s grace through him.  Especially me!  I’m thankful for God’s gift in such a wonderful life’s partner.

THE LAW OF SIN AT WORK

Every now and then, when I’m happily going my way, feeling pretty good about myself, the Lord gives me a glimpse of just how sinful I really am, and it hurts.

I have spent time, night and day these last few days wondering, and talking with the Lord, about how I could have said words I said, hurtful and demeaning words, that I cannot take back.  There was a way to address the things that bothered me that would have resulted in a parting of the ways perhaps, but left the relationship intact. I did not take that way and now I believe the damage is irreparable.

The irony of it all is that I’ve been studying the Sermon on the Mount, specifically the verses where Jesus says: “You have heard it said, ‘Do not murder and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’  But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment.”  

I’d like to think that I would never be guilty of breaking the commandment that says, “You shall not kill.”  Pretty proud of that fact, actually.  But as soon as Jesus takes it to the next step, I’m done for.  

Today I understand so well the words of the Apostle Paul in Romans 7:

“I find this law at work (in me).  When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God’s law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.  What a wretched (wo)man I am!  Who will rescue me from this body of death?”

This week I have been a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.  It shames me.

Clinging to Paul’s final word:

“Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God – through Jesus Christ our Lord!”