So I woke up at 2 AM in the middle of
a dream. I had invited some people over
for Christmas Eve, but because these particular people had been critical of my
cooking in the past, rather than expose myself to some new criticism, I didn’t
make anything – nothing at all – to eat.
They were all sitting around with annoyed looks on their faces expecting
to be fed while I put on my coat and ran to a very busy supermarket to try and
find things for them to eat. I woke up
feeling “less than”, not living up to the expectations of others.
I hoped to go right back to sleep but
I didn’t. As I thought about the dream,
I said to myself, “You felt like that a lot when you were young (like in high
school or college).” But then I realized
I could think of some much more recent times when I felt that way. With that, my mind went running off to a few
of those other times. The most painful
was the following:
I was sent by the organization for
which I worked to a training session in another state. I was looking forward to the training. I hoped it would feed my soul as well as equip
me for service. I was housed in a
cottage with seven other women, one of whom was assigned to be my
roommate.
I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that
I am an introvert. If you know one, then
you know we are people who enjoy solitary endeavors. We’re usually quiet and thoughtful. When we have a demanding schedule that
includes lots of time relating with people, the way we restore our energy is to
run away to a quiet place to be alone.
Since we are outnumbered in this world
of ours by extroverts who are the exact opposite of us, we can easily be
misunderstood. Others might take us for
snobs, or someone suffering from a superiority complex. The truth is we’re probably shaking in our
shoes with anxiety, wanting nothing more than to be home on the couch in our
jammies reading a good book.
I’ve often told people I would rather get up
before an audience of a hundred and speak for an hour than have lunch with four
people I don’t know. So, you can imagine
(especially if you are also an introvert) my anxiety as I anticipated the week
ahead. As if it wasn’t enough to just spend a week with a bunch of strangers, we were also encouraged to sit with people we didn’t know and socialize at EVERY meal. It was both terrifying and exhausting!
Everywhere I went that week in my
solitary misery, I watched others. They
all seemed to be doing just fine. Each
one seemed to have made connections with someone else and to be really enjoying
themselves. I was thoroughly miserable, feeling
alone in a crowd, terribly self-conscious, feeling very “less than”.
Adding to the bleakness of the week
was my cottage assignment. I was placed
with seven other women who all had many years of experience doing what we
did. I had one year under my belt, and was hugely insecure
that if I opened my mouth they would know I was a fraud who had no idea what I was
doing. I made an effort to join them as
they sat in the common area to chat, but I said little.
We introverts are easily intimidated
by extroverts. Extroverts handle
themselves so well in social situations.
They never seem to run out of words.
Other people seem to readily take to them. We want to be able to feel that relaxed too,
but it isn’t in our nature. So we might
retreat to a corner, find some other introvert looking equally miserable and
engage them in conversation, or get out of there as soon as possible.
As the week went on, I was so uncomfortable
that I began to wander away from everyone else whenever I had the chance. I looked for a quiet room that wasn’t being
used, or a bench behind a building where my presence might go unnoticed.
The women with whom I roomed noticed,
but not in a good way. Their noticing
didn’t prompt anyone to try and get to know me.
On the last day, they took my name and e mail address along with
everyone else’s in our cottage but then one of the women chose to “rate” us all
by personality, and send her opinion out on everyone’s e mail, including mine. I didn’t fare well and was hurt by it.
Before I resigned from the
organization, I went back one more time for training. I began to pray long before that this time
would be different. I prayed that the
Lord would choose women for that cottage with whom I would click, women to whom
I could minister. I asked friends to
pray for me as well. He answered those prayers
for me in many wonderful ways.
He placed me in a cottage with all
younger women. This time around I was the
one with experience and they were the newbees, shaking in their shoes! I felt immediately more comfortable. As the week went on and they shared their personal
struggles, and challenges with the job we all did, I was able to pray with them
individually and minister God’s love and grace.
I was the last one to leave our cottage for the airport on the last day
and I was so full of joy for the Lord’s answer that I spent time walking
through each room and praying for the women I’d had the privilege to room
with.
Wishing to avoid the pain of sitting
in the shadows of social gatherings, being thought a snob when I was just quiet,
taking so long to make good friends, I have spent a great deal of my life
wishing I was an extrovert so that being with people wasn’t so painful. I’ve
learned to be more grateful for the way the Lord made me.
The Lord had some assignments for me
that I would never in a million years have considered as an introvert. Like lecturing
to those one hundred women, but also shepherding leaders I didn’t know all that
well at first. It wasn’t hard for the
introvert in me to invest long hours alone to plan lessons and leadership training, but it was hard having to BE
the leader of my very capable staff! So
many times I felt “less than”, but God in His grace gave me what I needed to be
the leader my introversion resisted! I
am the woman I am today because of all those hard and not “natural for an
introvert” things He had for me to do.
Our world is full of introverts. They’re the quiet ones at work or school who
eat alone. They’re the ones who seem to
prefer a book to a conversation. But you
know what? They want to be known for who
they are, and loved and appreciated for it too.
They just are less likely to make the move toward others when they want to
be friends.
In another month or so Jim and I will move 2 1/2 hours north of where we live now. I'm still an introvert but as another introvert I know described himself, I'm a "high functioning" introvert, so I will probably have to reach out to others to make friends. But I also hope others will decide to look past my quietness and want to know the me underneath.
So, look around for those
introverts. If you think, “It might be nice to
know him/her", then make the first move. Say hi. Ask them questions that require more than a
yes or no answer. Be prepared to keep
reaching out until they know that they can trust you with their quietness.
They just might be longing for
someone to notice that they exist and are worth knowing. Why don't you be the one to notice.
